| Welcome to the month of love! I hope you are | | | | Spending too much time engaged in what you want |
| feeling loved and are approaching 14th February with | | | | to do and not spending quality time with your partner |
| excited anticipation. How does your relationship look? | | | | in the "space". Remember your garden needs |
| Your relationship consists, you may think, of just you | | | | attention from both of you.o Getting your needs |
| and your partner, but in therapy terms the | | | | met - this can appear as bartering for love. Mentally |
| "relationship" is often referred to as the "space" | | | | you are giving to your partner BUT really you want |
| between you which is filled with all of your actions | | | | something in return. Oh this is so common and the |
| and situations, good or bad that either serve to help | | | | TRUTH is we constantly want to get our needs met, |
| or hinder you both. It is here where your children and | | | | by pulling on the tug 'o war rope. "You have to love |
| pets live and how much love is in this space, | | | | me otherwise you won't get any love from me".o |
| determines the health of your family and partnership. | | | | Defences - when we feel hurt we keep our partner |
| To make it a little clearer, visualise for a moment a | | | | out with defences to try and get them to react. This |
| space between you like a garden or an oil painting | | | | only appears as trench warfare in the relational space. |
| that is the resulting picture and nature of how you | | | | Not attractive! |
| have treated each other to date. One of my clients, | | | | The list is endless to be honest but I think you get |
| when asked to look at this space he and his wife had | | | | the picture. I have no suggestions for you of "how |
| created said "oh my god, it looks like a bomb site". | | | | to" to get it sorted because you are all adult and |
| They had spent so much time harming each other, | | | | very capable of looking at this and knowing what is |
| that the space looked desolate and war torn. | | | | right for you and your partner to make your |
| To actually SEE what that space looks like can be a | | | | relational space the garden of Eden you really desire. |
| shock for some. It serves to get people to wake up | | | | You and they are unique in this Universe, so you |
| to the state of the relationship and what they have | | | | KNOW what is good and what isn't. Its' not difficult. |
| done usually to harm the delicate beauty of this place | | | | What drives you to get your needs met comes from |
| where the seed of love was planted at the beginning | | | | a largely unconscious drive from childhood, a huge |
| but then ended up trodden on. | | | | subject for another day, but I can say this with |
| People, EVERY time you take from this space you | | | | assurity, that it is what you give to your relationship |
| harm your partner and the relationship and you | | | | that helps you heal in the long term. As you breathe |
| effectively yank out all the delicate seeds of love | | | | love into your relational space it surrounds you and |
| that really need your attention, presence, nurturing | | | | your partner with endless possibilities for recovering |
| and kindness. As a garden needs to flower, so does | | | | and healing from the past. Taking will only set up bad |
| your relationship and it stands to reason that gardens | | | | energy between you where if you are strong mirrors |
| don't flower if bull dozers run riot in them. Get the | | | | for each other's short comings, your relational space |
| picture? | | | | will ever be ailing and poor quality. |
| So take a look. What does your relational space look | | | | Deep down we are all a huge bundle of love and |
| like right now? Are there some flowers but heavy | | | | can't wait to give it and feel it in return. We are |
| boot marks through some areas? Perhaps you feel | | | | created that way in a Divine sense, but relational |
| your side of the garden or space is perfect and your | | | | spaces often reflect the remnants of our battle field |
| partner's is like Beirut. Whatever you see IS telling | | | | scenes gone by as we grew through childhood into |
| you what you have been doing to build this | | | | adulthood and the picture of the space you create |
| relationship. | | | | now with your partner is a reflection of who you |
| If you are looking for examples of what I mean by | | | | have become. And just maybe as you look into that |
| harming your relational space, then in simple terms I | | | | mirror you can begin to see it. |
| will spell it out for you:o Bad communication - talking | | | | If you are stuck and want to want to help each |
| over your partner, arguing, not listening to their point | | | | other create a beautiful healed space where deep |
| of view. Obvious really!o Needing to be right - yep it's | | | | and sacred love is allowed to blossom with purity, |
| common one, but why feel good about being right if | | | | then please get in contact with me. I am currently |
| your partner is left deflated and the underdog?o | | | | developing the "Relationship MOT" which is a one off |
| Affairs - sounds an obvious one but it is pretty much | | | | session that will help you see your relational space |
| the biggest bomb you could ever throw into your | | | | with clarity and from there we can work together to |
| relational space. In my entire dating history and | | | | help you plant the flowers of love and remove the |
| listening to hundreds of people talk about relationships | | | | weeds that have strangled your relationship. |
| over the years, I only know of one relationship that | | | | Finally, I wish you a beautiful love filled Valentine's |
| lasted after an affair. The odds are stacked I am | | | | Day. Make it a day of planting new and good things in |
| sorry to say. We all know what happens so why do | | | | your relational space. Wherever there is love, hope |
| we do it?o Not SEEing your partner and not being | | | | follows. |
| truly present with them when they speak to you.o | | | | |